Happy Birthday, Cari!

To my sweet sister who I miss dearly...Happy Birthday!

As time passes, I am trying so hard to stay focussed on where Cari is - with God. I know that her joy and peace are beyond my comprehension. And, for that I am grateful. I am also grateful that God blessed me with the opportunity to have someone in my life (my whole life) who I could share so many memories with, someone who I could always count on, someone who I could share EVERYTHING with, and someone who I could love and be loved unconditionally. I thank God for sharing her with me.

Today I celebrate Cari, her birth, her life and her everlasting life.

I love you dearly!

Mother's Day will always be a little different

I have really been missing Cari a lot lately. I don't know that this will ever go away.

But, with Mother's Day quickly arriving - tomorrow - it is a bitter sweet celebration.

First and foremost, I think of my mom. I know it is so difficult to know that she will receive one fewer phone call to wish her a happy mother's day. The same is true for my step-mom. That breaks my heart.

Secondly, I know that this was one of Cari's heartbreaks, that she did not think that she herself would ever be a mom...no mate and medical issues to boot.

It's difficult because I need to focus, appreciate and enjoy the fact that I am a mom without the guilty feelings that may be lurking.

All this being said, I pray for God's peace for us all and thank God for loving Cari so that she may celebrate her mom's without any of these negative thoughts and feelings. Cari had two great moms, one who she was born to and one who she was given later, both huge blessings in her life.

She was surrounded by love, and I think that she just wanted to pass that on to children of her own. I can only hope and pray that she is able to love on all of the little ones who may be with her in Heaven.

Remembering Cari with Love

It was two years ago today, April 15, that Cari died. The sad part is that she left us, but the good news is that she also left behind her pain and walked into the Lord's arms. Thank you God for giving her your peace and love.

I can't help but wonder what was going through her mind that day. It is overwhelming to me, so I can only imagine what it must have been like for her. We will never know what the final straw was. We do know that she was hurting.

When cleaning out her condo, my mom discovered a trash can filled with used kleenex...she must have been crying a lot. We later found out from someone who knew her that she had been crying herself to sleep every night. I am not sure how long this had gone on, but it was definitely too long.

When this person revealed this information to us, I could not help but question him as to why he did not tell anyone that she was going through this. She had basically shut down communications to me and my family beyond the normal chit chat. One lesson learned...if you know someone who is going through such turmoil or you yourself are feeling this kind of pain, please talk to someone; tell someone.

Some other items that were discovered in her condo were various Bibles, self-help books (some by Christian writers), The Purpose Driven Life...all with pages marked. This is part of my peace...she was trying and she was seeking Him. I am so grateful that she was reaching out to God.

It is extremely difficult to avoid reliving or even trying to guess what her day must have been like to lead her to this final decision. She had thought it through, or at least that day she had. She had the pet gates at the entrance to her stairwell to keep her dog and cats downstairs as her bedroom was upstairs. She had information regarding car, insurance, mortgage all out on the floor. And, she had written a note.

While we awaited the autopsy, I remember hoping and praying that it was an accident. When we heard the chemical analysis from her autopsy and learned of the note, that hope was gone. Her death became so much more painful.

I thank God that I am no longer angry with her; that I have more compassion for her than I have ever had in my life. I am even more grateful to know that she only feels peace and love now; no more tears.

I love you Cari! And, I will see you again!

Emotional all of a sudden...

I have to say that I have not cried about Cari in quite a while. Don't get me wrong, I think about her all the time. However, lately, I have had emotional moments and some anxiety as well. At first, I thought this was out of nowhere, but I have been thinking about it and realizing that maybe I was suppressing some feelings around the holidays. Now that the holidays have past, they are probably surfacing.

Plus, I started thinking the other day that I have started to get use to not having her around or talking to her all the time. I still have my moments where I think, "Oh, I need to call Cari and tell her (something)." But the moments, seem to be coming less and less, because I know and accept the reality. I don't want to get used to not having her. The idea of this scares me and makes me very sad.

And, then the anxiety sets in about the length of my own life. I am at peace with dying, but I am extremely anxious about not being there for my children. I don't want them to feel the pain that I felt with the loss of Cari. It puts me over the edge to even think about it. I pray that the Lord keeps my family together for a very long time.

I recently read a passage about focussing on God and not our circumstances. This definitely applies to me as it does to everyone, I'm sure. But, our focus should be on God in good and bad circumstances. If our focus is on Him, it does not matter what circumstances are present in our lives or what circumstances lie ahead. I think of Cari with this lesson and word...she was so focussed on her circumstances. Her main issue was not being in a relationship. The focus of that consumed her to the point where everything was about her not being good enough. I so wish that she would have known deep down that God made her so beautiful, no mistakes.

But, I have to say that it brings me peace to know that that is all that she sees now, and He is her only focus. Her pain is no more...her anxiety; her grief...it's not even a memory to her. Thank you God!

Missing Cari!

I will continue telling Cari's story on my next post, but for now, I just want to say that I miss her. With Thanksgiving and Christmas behind us, she has been on my mind a lot. I think that it's because you are typically around family during these celebrations, and you are reminded that someone is missing. Well, we know where she is and are grateful for that, but we miss her being with us.

For some reason, life is seeming shorter and shorter to me. I see how quickly my children are growing up, and I realize that Cari is already in heaven. It makes me a little anxious sometimes. I don't want to screw up the time that I have here. I look at my kids and realize that they will never have known their Aunt Cari. And, what little my son remembers...how long will he remember that? My mind goes to a place of fear praying and hoping that God allows me to raise my children...that we are all together for a long time.

I am sad that Cari is not with us, but I also feel that God has blessed me with a wisdom that some may never know until they pass themselves; the reality of heaven; the reality of God's grace. It may sound strange, but it's a wisdom that you can only receive once you have experienced a death of a loved one followed by His peace and loving comfort that He brings.

Who is Cari?

Cari is my sister...she passed away April 15, 2007. She is the reason that I am starting this page.

Cari was a beautiful, smart, loving and caring person. She was always there for whoever needed her. She loved to laugh, and people loved to hear her laugh...it was contagious. She loved her family, and her family loved her. Unfortunately, Cari did not know how to love herself.

She so wanted to be happy, but I don't think that she really knew how to be completely happy. There were so many things that she wanted out of life, but Cari did not think that she was good enough to receive them.

Don't get me wrong, she had a very full and successful life as far as life goes. She had an amazing career at which she had worked very hard and achieved much. Cari had run in several marathons and half marathons; was liked and even loved by many of her co-workers and friends. Her family was crazy about her. She had just bought and was decorating a new townhouse; had a new car; had a dog and two cats...so many things going for her. If only Cari could have seen how much she had accomplished and what a beautiful person she was on the inside and out.

Obviously, when it comes down to it, the job, the townhouse, the car - all the stuff - is just stuff. What she really wanted was a family of her own...a man who she could spend the rest of her life with, children...her own family. This would never come to fruition though. I think the main reason it never happened is because Cari could not overcome the battle within her to believe in herself, to know that God had made her just right...no mistake; to completely trust in Him and His plan; to let go and quit doubting and looking down on herself. She was not able to receive all that He had for her or wanted for her, because, like many of us, she got caught up in a web of lies that she had come to believe about herself.

You may be a Cari or you may know a Cari or you may even love a Cari. I just want to reach out and share my experience, Cari's experience...maybe we can learn from her life.

Please hang in there. Believe. Trust. Pray. Live.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Therefore do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.