Emotional all of a sudden...

I have to say that I have not cried about Cari in quite a while. Don't get me wrong, I think about her all the time. However, lately, I have had emotional moments and some anxiety as well. At first, I thought this was out of nowhere, but I have been thinking about it and realizing that maybe I was suppressing some feelings around the holidays. Now that the holidays have past, they are probably surfacing.

Plus, I started thinking the other day that I have started to get use to not having her around or talking to her all the time. I still have my moments where I think, "Oh, I need to call Cari and tell her (something)." But the moments, seem to be coming less and less, because I know and accept the reality. I don't want to get used to not having her. The idea of this scares me and makes me very sad.

And, then the anxiety sets in about the length of my own life. I am at peace with dying, but I am extremely anxious about not being there for my children. I don't want them to feel the pain that I felt with the loss of Cari. It puts me over the edge to even think about it. I pray that the Lord keeps my family together for a very long time.

I recently read a passage about focussing on God and not our circumstances. This definitely applies to me as it does to everyone, I'm sure. But, our focus should be on God in good and bad circumstances. If our focus is on Him, it does not matter what circumstances are present in our lives or what circumstances lie ahead. I think of Cari with this lesson and word...she was so focussed on her circumstances. Her main issue was not being in a relationship. The focus of that consumed her to the point where everything was about her not being good enough. I so wish that she would have known deep down that God made her so beautiful, no mistakes.

But, I have to say that it brings me peace to know that that is all that she sees now, and He is her only focus. Her pain is no more...her anxiety; her grief...it's not even a memory to her. Thank you God!