It was two years ago today, April 15, that Cari died. The sad part is that she left us, but the good news is that she also left behind her pain and walked into the Lord's arms. Thank you God for giving her your peace and love.
I can't help but wonder what was going through her mind that day. It is overwhelming to me, so I can only imagine what it must have been like for her. We will never know what the final straw was. We do know that she was hurting.
When cleaning out her condo, my mom discovered a trash can filled with used kleenex...she must have been crying a lot. We later found out from someone who knew her that she had been crying herself to sleep every night. I am not sure how long this had gone on, but it was definitely too long.
When this person revealed this information to us, I could not help but question him as to why he did not tell anyone that she was going through this. She had basically shut down communications to me and my family beyond the normal chit chat. One lesson learned...if you know someone who is going through such turmoil or you yourself are feeling this kind of pain, please talk to someone; tell someone.
Some other items that were discovered in her condo were various Bibles, self-help books (some by Christian writers), The Purpose Driven Life...all with pages marked. This is part of my peace...she was trying and she was seeking Him. I am so grateful that she was reaching out to God.
It is extremely difficult to avoid reliving or even trying to guess what her day must have been like to lead her to this final decision. She had thought it through, or at least that day she had. She had the pet gates at the entrance to her stairwell to keep her dog and cats downstairs as her bedroom was upstairs. She had information regarding car, insurance, mortgage all out on the floor. And, she had written a note.
While we awaited the autopsy, I remember hoping and praying that it was an accident. When we heard the chemical analysis from her autopsy and learned of the note, that hope was gone. Her death became so much more painful.
I thank God that I am no longer angry with her; that I have more compassion for her than I have ever had in my life. I am even more grateful to know that she only feels peace and love now; no more tears.
I love you Cari! And, I will see you again!
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Cari is a beautiful daughter that somehow did not realize her value to others in her life. We all miss her terribly but know that the immense pain she was feeling has subsided. I only hope that Cari's message may prevent someone else from pursuing the path that Cari followed. She lives in her hearts and I know in my heart that Jesus was reaching out to her as she made that final decision. I some times question why he did not stop her. I always prayed that he would be in her heart as I know she would sometimes struggle with demons that would lower her self worth. The peace I do have, which still does not lessen the hurt of losing her, is that he did answer my prayer and I know he was there to reach out to her and take her hand to let her know that she should have no more fear, anxiety or hurt about who she is. I know that she did not make that final journey, which I also know was very difficult, by herself but had the love of the Lord to comfort her. Only He knows the true pain our beautiful Cari experienced. I know that some day I will see her beautiful smiling face again and be able to hold my loving and wonderful daughter again. Until then Cari, know that we all love you, miss you and slowly have comprehended why!
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