Loving the Caris

I have three words for today… I GET IT! I sit here today and relive (or try to imagine) what this day was like for my sister, Cari. And, it completely tears me apart to know that this day was filled with sadness for her. There are so many things that I hate about today, but the biggest one is that she was so sad today. That she shed many tears…so many that they found her trash can filled with tissues. The really hard part is knowing that I was going about my life and had no idea that this was her life…her day…her last day. It is almost unbearable to imagine. And here we are today – nine years later. I have learned a lot, lived a huge life filled with many experiences (most of which I would have never guessed or imagined). But the one thing that I can say now that I could not say then is that “I get it!” Please know that with those words, I am not condoning, promoting or approving of what Cari did. However, I do understand how she could have arrived at that “place.” This is not something that I openly talk about or share – for many reasons. Today, I will share some… On April 15, 2007, Cari could not go on any longer. She could not escape the sadness and could not cope with the overwhelming feelings and emotions that flooded her. So, she left a heartfelt note which I can only imagine was extremely difficult and she organized everything that we would need to have access to…and she took too many sleeping pills and went to sleep. The next day the phone call came…and I cannot even retell the entire experience here, because it is too much. But after several hours of searching for her, she was found. Well, her body was found. Complete heartbreak, disbelief, shock, anger, confusion…I could go on and on. But, let’s just say that I could not cope nor could the rest of my family. So, today, I sit here missing my Cari. So, her body was found on April 16, but her soul was delivered on the 15th…she went home. I do know that she is with the Lord…she was seeking him (which we discovered in cleaning out her place). And, I know without a doubt that she is with Him (that is another story). I am so grateful! Beyond grateful! And I do know that we will be together again. My life has been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. It is easy to get so caught up in the craziness and stress of everyday life. And then you add on additional trials like cancer and diabetes, depression, anxiety and other health issues going on in my house…and sometimes everything seems unbearable. But, it’s not! As easy as it could be to just escape or want to not deal with life sometimes, I have to look around and thank God. I need perspective – sometimes more than others. Most of all, I need God and His guidance, wisdom, peace and comfort. And as I have heard many times, He is there. So, when I feel like He has moved away from me, I have to be honest…He is still there, it is I who have moved away. I have filled my life, mind and time with “stuff”…those “things” do not fill the void. In fact, more often than not, they clutter and contaminate the void. I have many days when I think, “can we just have the rapture now.” I thank God that I have my children to keep me grounded and focused. And, I pray for forgiveness in the times that I am not focused on the right “things” or the right people. But, I know “If He is With Me, Who Can Be Against Me.” So, we move forward, thank God for the times that we have had with our loved ones who have left us and PRAY and WORK at enjoying, treasuring and living life to the FULLEST with those who God has left us with – do not waist a moment.