Emotional all of a sudden...

I have to say that I have not cried about Cari in quite a while. Don't get me wrong, I think about her all the time. However, lately, I have had emotional moments and some anxiety as well. At first, I thought this was out of nowhere, but I have been thinking about it and realizing that maybe I was suppressing some feelings around the holidays. Now that the holidays have past, they are probably surfacing.

Plus, I started thinking the other day that I have started to get use to not having her around or talking to her all the time. I still have my moments where I think, "Oh, I need to call Cari and tell her (something)." But the moments, seem to be coming less and less, because I know and accept the reality. I don't want to get used to not having her. The idea of this scares me and makes me very sad.

And, then the anxiety sets in about the length of my own life. I am at peace with dying, but I am extremely anxious about not being there for my children. I don't want them to feel the pain that I felt with the loss of Cari. It puts me over the edge to even think about it. I pray that the Lord keeps my family together for a very long time.

I recently read a passage about focussing on God and not our circumstances. This definitely applies to me as it does to everyone, I'm sure. But, our focus should be on God in good and bad circumstances. If our focus is on Him, it does not matter what circumstances are present in our lives or what circumstances lie ahead. I think of Cari with this lesson and word...she was so focussed on her circumstances. Her main issue was not being in a relationship. The focus of that consumed her to the point where everything was about her not being good enough. I so wish that she would have known deep down that God made her so beautiful, no mistakes.

But, I have to say that it brings me peace to know that that is all that she sees now, and He is her only focus. Her pain is no more...her anxiety; her grief...it's not even a memory to her. Thank you God!

Missing Cari!

I will continue telling Cari's story on my next post, but for now, I just want to say that I miss her. With Thanksgiving and Christmas behind us, she has been on my mind a lot. I think that it's because you are typically around family during these celebrations, and you are reminded that someone is missing. Well, we know where she is and are grateful for that, but we miss her being with us.

For some reason, life is seeming shorter and shorter to me. I see how quickly my children are growing up, and I realize that Cari is already in heaven. It makes me a little anxious sometimes. I don't want to screw up the time that I have here. I look at my kids and realize that they will never have known their Aunt Cari. And, what little my son remembers...how long will he remember that? My mind goes to a place of fear praying and hoping that God allows me to raise my children...that we are all together for a long time.

I am sad that Cari is not with us, but I also feel that God has blessed me with a wisdom that some may never know until they pass themselves; the reality of heaven; the reality of God's grace. It may sound strange, but it's a wisdom that you can only receive once you have experienced a death of a loved one followed by His peace and loving comfort that He brings.

Who is Cari?

Cari is my sister...she passed away April 15, 2007. She is the reason that I am starting this page.

Cari was a beautiful, smart, loving and caring person. She was always there for whoever needed her. She loved to laugh, and people loved to hear her laugh...it was contagious. She loved her family, and her family loved her. Unfortunately, Cari did not know how to love herself.

She so wanted to be happy, but I don't think that she really knew how to be completely happy. There were so many things that she wanted out of life, but Cari did not think that she was good enough to receive them.

Don't get me wrong, she had a very full and successful life as far as life goes. She had an amazing career at which she had worked very hard and achieved much. Cari had run in several marathons and half marathons; was liked and even loved by many of her co-workers and friends. Her family was crazy about her. She had just bought and was decorating a new townhouse; had a new car; had a dog and two cats...so many things going for her. If only Cari could have seen how much she had accomplished and what a beautiful person she was on the inside and out.

Obviously, when it comes down to it, the job, the townhouse, the car - all the stuff - is just stuff. What she really wanted was a family of her own...a man who she could spend the rest of her life with, children...her own family. This would never come to fruition though. I think the main reason it never happened is because Cari could not overcome the battle within her to believe in herself, to know that God had made her just right...no mistake; to completely trust in Him and His plan; to let go and quit doubting and looking down on herself. She was not able to receive all that He had for her or wanted for her, because, like many of us, she got caught up in a web of lies that she had come to believe about herself.

You may be a Cari or you may know a Cari or you may even love a Cari. I just want to reach out and share my experience, Cari's experience...maybe we can learn from her life.

Please hang in there. Believe. Trust. Pray. Live.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Therefore do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.